Never go to doctors
They’ll find something wrong with you
Stay away and you won’t get sick or die
For example
My granny was the healthiest granny on the planet
Bench pressing 200 pounds, repeatedly
Squatting 500 pounds, endlessly
Running six day ultra marathons
Kicking the crap out of subway pushers in NYC
All that, until she saw a geriatrics quack
A wacko psycho doctor of death
He diagnosed her with the big C
Placebo screwed her with a BS death knell
Stage 4, three months to live, he claimed sadistically
Three anxiety-driven, brainwashed months later
Six failed ultra marathons
Granny was stone cold expired
Waked and buried at Bellevue Cemetery
Don’t ask me about the costs
In denial about my sweet granny’s passing
Vowed to find a way to bring her back
Prayed to Jesus, Mary, and Joseph
And Catholic saints of impossible causes
Because Jesus came back successfully
Thought maybe he’d share
His secret resurrection formula
And give a dead granny some love
Didn’t work
Granny remained unresurrected
Exasperated and driven to near madness
I robbed granny out of her grave
And tried to Frankenstein her
Bound her to a metal table
Rigged a lightning rod to it
A thunderstorm raged and rumbled
Lightning flashed and crackled
Struck her corpse, made it sizzle
Didn’t work
Lightning only barbequed her body
Or cooked it, not sure which
Brainstormed a better idea
Jump started her like a dead car battery
Problem solved, kinda
Granny is up and running
And chasing me around my house
Alive and electrically zombified.
Bob Boyd
