Fictional Bigfoot Poems

The Night I Kissed a Female Bigfoot

by

I’d been drinking Budweisers with some buds at a park
in a forest

when I got so many sheets to the wind, I bypassed
the traditional 3 and lost count as 13.

I trudged deep into the forest to relive myself
privately of the excessive liquids I’d ingested.

After I finished my business, so drunk I could
hardly see, I spied a beautiful forest goddess

beckoning me for a kiss. Not one to refuse
such a request from a beautiful lady, gentlemanly

I complied, and drunk as I was, I kissed a
female Bigfoot thinking she was a forest goddess.

The situation got worse after that. Her humongous
Bigfoot boyfriend appeared out of a portal

and punched me just once, but his punch packed
so much inhuman force that

I was airborne for a minute before I lost consciousness
and woke up in a patch of poison ivy

sober, itchy, and wondering how could I have confused a
hairy scary female cryptid for a beautiful forest goddess

and risk having a jealous Bigfoot boyfriend kick
the shit out of me.

I quit drinking after that and joined the AA, and nobody
knows that I kissed a female Bigfoot,

except Bigfoot, you and me.

Bob Boyd

Milly’s Terrifying Solo Camping Trip

by

Milly posted her solo camping trips on YouTube,
and she was highly skilled.

But as a friend of hers who wasn’t into camping
and worried about her being alone in forests,

I said to her you might be putting yourself in
danger, camping all alone.

She said she had no worries and that she was
always alert and careful.

But one night her confidence was crushed when
a serial killer had secretly stalked her

and broke into her tent while she slept, seized
her and dragged her out of her tent,

but fortune was with her as she screamed that
terrifying night.

A deep guttural growl stopped the serial killer
who looked behind himself just as a bigfoot

grabbed him, and he was the one screaming
seconds before his wicked life was crushed out of him.

Milly had run off shocked and terrified she’d also
be slaughtered by the Bigfoot

until she heard the Bigfoot’s voice inside her head,
assuring her he was only there to protect her,

and as she looked back at him, he smiled warmly and
then vanished.

Milly thinks Bigfoot protected her that night because
she’s a fan of his with a lot of Bigfoot memorabilia.

Perhaps she was right, but in case she was wrong,
she never solo camped again.

Bob Boyd

Tree Peeker

by

Some people call Bigfoot Tree Peeker.
I don’t get that — big as he is, bad as he looks
Why would he need to hide and peek at anybody?
Okay, okay, I see your irrefutable point;
I see why I’m absolutely wrong
He’s seen the movie King Kong.

Bob Boyd

Breakdown on Scary Country Road at Night

by

Car broke down at night on a scary, unlit country road.
Fears rose in him. Goosebumps spread over his skin.
Horror movie terrors starting plaguing his thoughts.
No way was he going to exit his car and face the fears,
Locked all the car doors, laid down to sleep on the seat.
Safer to hide from his increasing fears and imagined frights
Until he sensed something eerie and terribly monstrous.
Peeked out of the windshield, a scream in his throat,
Bigfoot, terrifying, smiled and put his hands on hood.
Engine started, purred. Bigfoot waved and vanished.

Bob Boyd

The Otherworldly Origins of Bigfoot

by

First the Aliens created Yeti as an experiment
and dropped him into the Himalayas.

Satisfied with that success, they created
the cryptid known as Bigfoot, a different
variety of Yeti, darker in color and
designed to live in a less severe climate.

They deposited him into a forest in North
America. The experiment a success, they
created hundreds more and settled them
in forests all over North America.

Because they wanted to keep Bigfoot safe from
hunters and those who would try to capture
him, they tweaked him with the ability to move
in and out of dimensions instantly, which is why
no one has killed or captured a Bigfoot to
this day, despite all the fake sightings
and conspiracy theories.

Bob Boyd

Bigfoot in Texas

by

Hiking near the Rio Grande
And had my Clock 20 handy
In case some big unhinged bear
Charged at me out of his liar
The day was quiet and peaceful
Being in nature felt so blissful
Suddenly something was afoot
I turned around and saw Bigfoot
He said to me, “Are you okay?”
I froze too scared to run away
And too scared to pull out my glock,
Too frightened to shoot, and in shock.
Lost my mind, passed out completely
Came to with Bigfoot over me
Looking as big as an oak tree
He helped me up from the ground
Smiled and asked me to hang around
Said okay since he meant no harm
His manner as soothing as balm
We talked and he said crazy things
Like there were aliens with wings
Then all of a sudden he sings
Becomes an alien with wings.
And said it’s time for me to go
And down came a big UFO
He got in it and waved goodbye
And disappeared into the sky.

Bob Boyd

Shooting Bigfoot

by

I caught a glimpse of Bigfoot outside my kitchen window;
He’d been messing with my chickens again.
Fifteen gone in nearly a week since he appeared at my farm.
I grabbed my Mossberg 500 shotgun and ran after him.
He stopped, turned around, smiled at me, and gestured for me to shoot.
Frightened and furious, I nervously took aim and pulled the trigger.
Before the shot hit him, Bigfoot vanished like a ghost.
I stood astonished wondering how he vanished and where he went.
A moment later, I heard a monstrous laugh and felt a hairy slap on my face.
I saw no sign of Bigfoot. He’d truly become like a ghost.
I ran in my house like a sprinter racing to the finish like.
I bolted all the doors, locked all the windows, but Bigfoot didn’t try to break in,
And I never saw him again after that. Maybe he couldn’t get un-vanished.
I reported the incident to the Greensboro police. I could see their smirks
And their yeah sure attitudes. I knew they thought I was nuts.
And now many people in Greensboro who heard about my sighting on the news
Think I’m a kook or a liar and jokingly call me Bigfoot Bob Boyd.

Bob Boyd